Secrets, lies and a murder
by immortal7
Summary: Willow watches Tara one last time before heading to England with the rest of the Scoobies after the fall of Sunnydale. And she thinks about how she can.


-1Disclaimer: I don't own.

A/N I been slowly getting back into the Buffyverse with Season Eight. So with looking back into a universe comes fanfics. I always loved Willow's character. And after the whole season six think I noticed a lot of fics make Tara and hers relationship fallout to be Willow is a bitch. While some of those are nice it gets a little repetitive. So here is my own little take. Hope you in enjoy.

Secrets. Lies, and a Murder

We all have secrets. I learned this along time ago in a distant place where I innocently believed that secrets didn't ever hurt anyone. I've learned differently since I was six. Back than I was all worried about if Xander would steal my Barbie dolls and if my parents were going to be home for the holidays. I understood that Xander and I did not have want most would consider a normal home life. I guessed that his parents didn't like anybody and mine just truly paid attention to me when I brought home perfect grades.

A lot has happened since than. I would like to say that I'm no longer that little girl that was rather confused when I liked Alicia more than I liked Jesse. Yet here I am finally grown up enough to understand that it's okay to like all types of people. I've helped save the world and I have even almost destroyed it in the process. I have what many would claim to be an extraordinary life. A life of fables and mythical fantasy. In truth its just a life. I was a little more open minded to different possibilities and got to see just a little bit more of the world than most. To the point that I'm sitting here in a park bench giving myself a strange little narrative.

And what good would said self imposed narrative be if not right now I'm staring at what many would call my biggest and darkest secret. A beautiful blonde haired woman as she gently cuddles up to another woman. Her name is Rachel Johnson. At one point in my life I would have been the person that she was cuddling up to as she whispered little thoughts in my ear. In fact for close to two years she was my rock, the thing that kept me going in this life. I needed her and I still so madly in love with her that it hurts to see her this way. I killed three people for her and gave birth to one all so that she could forget about her life and move on being happy.

I went so far in making sure that she would be happy I sacrificed even the trust of all my friends so this could be my little secret. It hurt to watch them all slowly give in to the lie, to the act of me planning and destroying the world. All of it so when I used the spell that caused them all to think my story real was strengthened buy the half truths and blurred the truth so much better. I wake up at night sometimes and scream as I watch her death over and over, knowing that it wasn't real yet still there. I often think that maybe I shouldn't have stopped and really gone through with it, but than Xander wouldn't have gotten to be the hero and I really would have killed her. Its funny that even than and now she holds such a sway over me. I miserable with out her and I would have made her miserable with me. So I did what I said i always would do and that make her happy. I made sure after she told me that it was all becoming to much for her to handle that from there on out her life would be filled with happiness and love. It's amazing what one can do on a computer if you know where to look.

I would like to believe that before I let her go I broke her heart. I guess that is just kind of mean of me. I know I broke her heart. She sat there in our bed for months begging me to just let this all go and move on with our lives. I saw the side of Tara that nobody else in the house saw. They saw the sweet and kind side, but I also go to know her selfish side. And a decent sound buffing spell kept most of our arguments in the bedroom. She really kept it up after I brought Buffy back.

Some of our reasons for separating was very real. I did than and still do use magic a lot. She viewed what I did as unnatural, even near demonic, but more than that selfish by bring back Buffy. She was right from a point of view. I did miss my best friend in the world, but deep down I knew that we needed what she stood for back more than anything. Who would we have depended on Faith, please. If truth be told the world would have been with out a slayer for close to seventy years that way. Faith is only out of prison now because I broke her out. What true opponent would she have had in prison? So we come to my other secret. I knew all along what I was doing to Buffy. I knew where she was. I don't think I will ever have the courage to say out loud that I knew I pulled my best friend from heaven. Yet in all my so called magic might I think everyone forgets one powerful clue. Do they really think that I could give her back life with so few sacrifices if the PTB didn't want her back.

So here I sit and watch and wonder about what life could have been like. I have to head to Britain in the morning and back to my life with Kennedy and the rest of the Scoobies. I doubt I will ever have time to see her again. I'm not sure if I want to see her again. It hurts to know that deep down I wasn't enough to sustain her in this life. That she would rather forget everything we ever had than just part on normal terms. She wanted to make sure that nobody could ever get me by using her. She asked me to leave everyone that depended on me to be together. No more apocalypses or just random daemons with temper problems. I knew than that what we had would never last. I couldn't ever leave my best friends.

I gave birth to Rachel and let her have all her dreams come true. I guess like a mother its time to let my creation move on and gain a life on their own two feet. I wish she would at least know that I still feel for her. That to me, in my heart, Tara never died. I wish I could find my self just as happy, but I'm not sure I will ever find another her just like I sometimes wish she will never find another me. Tara I love you and I hope one day you realize all that I gave up for you.

End Note/ I hope you all enjoyed. Truth be told I will be surprised if I get a single review from this praise or flame. But as usual it doesn't really matter. Later everyone hope you enjoyed.


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